Beer and Stupidity
A 12 oz. beer has fewer calories than two slices of bread and contains no fat. As such, I had about two loaves of bread and gained no weight last night … the effect - I was hammered close to senselessness. Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty glass … all ten of us were instantly infected the moment the lager touched our lips … it was Michael’s birthday … who cared?
We started drinking at about 5:30 in the afternoon and stretched the binge to about 2:00 in the morning. What started as intellectual and passionate conversations of work problems and organizational issues later deteriorated into weird and secondary relationships, the scientific name for FART, and other topics so obtuse it would make a monkey look smart.
A few things beer can do to you :
- Equalizes the intellectually gifted and the downright stupid. After more than a dozen bottles, they’re all reduced to grunts, guffaws, and burps.
- Makes you deaf … for some reason, everybody communicates a hundred decibels louder even when whispering.
- Makes you blind … a person of the opposite sex looks like the hottest creature on earth even when he or she looks like a dinosaur in real life.
- Deludes you … alcohol increases your self esteem ten-fold … believing that every woman looking your way actually WANTED you.
In retrospect, however, it was a pleasant respite from the day’s work. Everyone has a right to be stupid … as long you don’t abuse it.
... z ...
Posted by tuliro at 05:43 PM |
S'man Sux, Santa Rules!
My thanks to Randy Kuehn for these statistics.
Superman is about 6 feet 2 inches tall, built like Johnny Bravo, moves faster than a speeding bullet, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. He is practically invulnerable in his red underwear, has laser eyes and not to mention the enviable x-ray vision every male would die for. Santa Claus, on the other hand, is about 5 feet 9 inches, built like a beer keg on legs, and old. Yet, every Christmas eve ... he leaves Superman in the dust.
Not counting the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist children whom he isnt known to visit, he apparently reaches the homes of about 378 million children. Assuming an average of three children per home with one good child in each, he would have to visit 98.1 million homes in 31 hours of Christmas work (thanks to the different time zones). Roughly, he would than have to visit 822.6 homes every second. This gives him roughly 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, still a kiss from your momma, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house on a sled that must travel at 650 miles per second!!
Now there are other stats that Randy has cooked up to prove the impressive resilience that Santa has over the elements during Christmas eve, not to mention his ability to withstand 4,315,000 pounds of centrifugal force when his sleigh carrying 353,000 tons of toys speeds up to 650 miles per second.
Santa Rules!!
Being real, however, a lot of people say that the Christmas spirit is lost ... that due to the dire economics that the Philippines is going through, hindi na maramdaman ang pasko. It's a little weird hearing this,as I was always led to believe that the Christmas spirit was always one of giving, and not looking forward of what will be received. Not in how many Christmas lights are dangling from every house but of how warm the home is, when friends and relatives celebrate together. Not on whats on the table but what is experienced while dining with loved ones.
The Christmas spirit is never lost ... it is how we have warped it into a season of lavish gifts and extravagant buffets. How the warmth of togetherness is measured in the cold cash spent to procure it. The definition of Christmas has eroded from a celebration of our Christ's birth to a season when those who have less, are forced to lock their doors and hide from family when they have nothing to offer at noche buena ... when ninongs who have not received their 13th month pay flee their homes to avoid their godchildren's open palms. Christmas = Gastos ... a pity ...
For those who still intend to find Christmas ... just spend it with your families. A simple meal ... a meaningful prayer ... and a kiss to and from a loved one. This, I'm sure, is more than good enough to last another year.
Merry Christmas to everyone!!
... z...
Posted by tuliro at 01:47 AM |